Many of us are blessed to have best friends in our lives. You know those cool people that we just click with and accumulate wonderful experiences alongside? Having a supportive BFF at your back is seriously the best thing ever.
What is the definition of a BFF, anyway? To me, this is someone you strongly relate to, can talk about absolutely anything with, would punch anyone for, and someone you will always love unconditionally.
They’re there for you in your darkest moments, and you’re there for them in theirs. Merely talking to them makes you smile and gives you comfort. They become as important to us as family members. Soul friends, as one of my best friends likes to put it.
Never in a million years could you ever imagine such a strong emotional bond being broken. Just like in all the cheesy stories, the power of true friendship can overcome anything, right??
Sadly, harsh reality begs to differ. We are all human beings, and all human beings create drama. Longstanding close connections you took for granted can be nuked beyond repair in the blink of an eye. It’s those feelz, man.
Human emotions are the complex and messy elements in any relationship equation. When incompatible mental health issues meet, it can be comparable to the reactions that occur when fire touches ice or lightning strikes water.
None of these elements are inherently good or bad; they just clash.
Where this is all coming from
I’ve gone through what I would describe as the biggest personal relationship loss in my life recently. The closest best friend I’ve ever had the honor of knowing decided they were done with my drama and abruptly door-slammed me from their life, right after I had the happiest time of my life with them.
I did NOT handle that well AT ALL. I put myself through almost an entire year of emotional hell and made the whole sad situation a billion times worse in the process.
Sure. I could pull out a list of everything I wished my ex-BFF had done differently during our friendship (especially offering them some suggestions on how to more kindly cut ties with people who love you), but those thoughts are all irrelevant.
It is not my wish to vilify my ex-BFF because they are not the villain in my story. They are actually one of the most kindhearted, smart, beautiful and inspiring people I’ve ever had the pleasure knowing on such an intimate friend level. The disastrous drama that happened between us never changed that fact, nor made me ever stop loving them. In fact, I know I’ll always love them no matter what.
I’ll have you know the biggest villain in this story is me, thank you very much. If I can pull out a list of everything I wished my ex-BFF had done differently, I can write an entire encyclopedia boxed set on everything I wished I would have done differently.
Okay. It’s actually unfair to call me the villain here, too. That’s probably my depression making me feel extra guilty about everything I’ve ever done wrong. I’m a good person who deserves to have nice friends… probably? I hope so, anyway.
I needed professional help
I am a very intense overly emotional person. The rare people who get close to me will see the very best and absolute worst in me. I can’t hide my true feelings from my true friends.
If I trust you, I will tell you honestly what is in my heart at the given moment, whether you want to hear it or not. I wear my feelings on my sleeve for you to see, and can wave them around like the brightest red flag in the world.
It is not okay or healthy to be at the mercy of your own emotions like I was. Looking back with the knowledge of now, I can appreciate that my ex-BFF had reached their limit of dealing with my chaotically cycling emotional patterns.
I had developed a very unhealthy emotional dependence on my ex-BFF, to say the least. Whenever I needed to vent about anything, they were merely a message away and always made me feel very, very happy whenever they talked to me. The friendship with my ex-BFF had become the only good thing I could see in my life, and I was clinging onto it like a life preserver.
When that life preserver fully deflated from all the holes I inadvertently poked into it, it felt like I was drowning. My beloved confidant had abandoned my continuously sinking ship, and they were no longer there to save me from myself. Whoa… see! Told you I’m intense.
The best thing that came from this situation is that I made myself so miserable, I was finally able to get professional mental health help from my country’s healthcare system.
My newly appointed therapist officially confirmed that I was suffering with depression, anxiety, and that my brain is hardwired to experience emotions more intensely than most humans.
I never got an official Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis from my therapist (based on my own personal research, I suggested that to her as a possible “what the hell is wrong with me”), but she did make it a point to mention that the coping strategies we went over were commonly used to treat that disorder as well.
One year of Dialectical Behavior Therapy later, I’m in a much better place. Far from perfectly okay, but at least growing properly in the right direction. I’m trying my very best to no longer allow my intense emotions to influence my behaviors, dammit.
I’d just like to add that it felt really awesome when my therapist told me I would be an easy fix. I had come to her already fully equipped with the hardest thing she has to teach most of her patients: self-awareness. Go me!
No always means no
Back to my deflated life preserver analogy, yes, it felt like I was drowning and my world had ended when my ex-BFF door-slammed me. Panic creates a whole bunch of awful emotions, and I sadly allowed those extra painful feelings to turn me into the craziest of trainwrecks.
The memories are mercifully quite foggy now, but wow, I seriously turned about as psycho as any traditional romantic ex can get, let me tell you. I remember blocking my ex-BFF everywhere, unblocking them everywhere, sending them multiple direct and indirect messages on social media, gifts, and so many other unwanted communications. I think I even had a fake Twitter and Patreon account to try to reach out to them at one point.
No. None of that was okay and I’m not at all proud of what I briefly became back there. That’s why I eventually destroyed every trace of my previous online self and totally disconnected from all social media for a few months. I felt like I was the worst friend ever and the most terrible human being on the planet. Sigh.
I’d like to say when I came back online I had finally learned to leave my ex-BFF alone, but no… no, I did not.
What made me decide to go back online in the first place was the pandemic and our world seemingly falling apart. My panicked feelings of worry triggered me to start contacting my ex-BFF again. I wanted to do everything in my power to help them, show them my love, and support them unconditionally during this globally difficult time for humanity.
Up until far too recently, I was utterly oblivious to the fact my help, love, and support is not at all wanted by them. And that truth hurts more than anything else happening in the world right now.
My big learning point here is this: when someone tells you to stop messaging them and leave them alone, listen to them. Forcing your support on someone who doesn’t want you in their life is wrong, even if you mean well. I know that concept sounds simple enough to grasp, but I could not for the life of me figure it out at the time for some reason.
Fact: I didn’t realize I was doing it, but I have disrespected my ex-BFF’s wishes, broken what little trust was left, and completely shattered the boundaries my ex-BFF was trying to set between us.
I take comfort in knowing that my big obnoxious heart was at least in the right place, but I was still doing the very wrong things, and venting my feelings about my ex-BFF in all the wrong ways. Ignorance is never an excuse for bad behaviors, just a reason for why they can happen.
We can only control us
I’ve given my depression a lot of direct shout-outs in this article, but my anxiety deserves far more friendship destroying credit than I’ve given it so far.
As an aside, anyone who lives with both of these mental health beasts will know that the internal battle between them is a never-ending emotional nightmare. It’s like a continuous cycling between being scared of death and wanting to die (or the really weird mental state of feeling both these statements at once).
I knew on some level that my life preserver was slowly deflating. My intuition could sense that beloved best friend connection slowly slipping away from my life one thread at a time, yet I wouldn’t listen to it. The vibes never lie, and ignoring them changed nothing.
As confirmed by my therapist, I’m also an empath. This means I can almost literally feel other people’s emotions and notice the subtlest of changes in people’s patterns. It’s like a horrible superpower I wish I could turn off sometimes. My own feelings are more than enough to deal with, thank you.
Anyway, good ol’ anxiety was picking up on all this and causing me to try and take control of everything.
Panic mode!! My bestest friend in the whole wide world is starting to not care about me anymore!! We have so many mutual friends and I can see them having so much fun without me!! I’m so JEALOUS!! Gr!! What do I do??!! I have to do something right now to stop this and make them love me again!! Paging all the irrational behaviors ever… stat!!
Okay!! Surely if I set out some goals, come up with a plan, proved my love for them, changed my ways, reminded them of all the good times we had, and gave them a bunch of things, all the relationship damage would magically be reversed!! My ex-BFF would forgive me and welcome me back into their life with open arms!! We will be true friends forever and fight the forces of evil together!!!
Nope. Sorry, but friendship doesn’t work like that, my dear panicking brain. I’m sure the only thing I achieved with all that was prove to my ex-BFF that I’m a clingy mess who needs further distancing away from.
A lot of good and bad things are going to happen to all of us as we bumble along our life paths. We cannot control what happens to us, only how we react to situations. Trying to control things beyond our, well… control, is a huge cause of so much unnecessary pain.
Worrying and overthinking everything doesn’t resolve anything. It only makes problems worse and creates problems where there were none.
We are actually never powerless, though! Nope. Never. See, we always have control of us. Truly understanding and learning how to wield that realization will get you through absolutely anything life throws at you.
None of us are here forever. Work well with what you get while you’re here. That’s the key to finding happiness whenever you lose it.
The only person who can save you is… you
You will never be able to let go of our ex-BFF, and that’s okay. What you allowed your feelings to turn us into… not at all okay, but I know you weren’t trying to be an asshole on purpose. I forgive you and am proud that you’ve grown a lot from this harsh long term life lesson.
Guess what? This is what true love feels like to you, in your atypical demiromantic asexual way, and you didn’t at all know how to handle the powerful feelings that true love brings. You have a hard enough time processing your normal feelings, to be honest.
It’s all seriously okay! These extra hurt feelings do suck and make you feel lonely beyond words, but you’re actually not alone in nursing unrequited love wounds, that’s for sure. First love is quite difficult for everyone, and it ends very painfully for a lot of people.
True love is capable of both lifting us up to eternally blissful heights and sending us crashing down into the darkest of hells. Almost every song ever is about love for a reason. Now you understand why!
This entire experience is not something to be miserable and angry about for the rest of our life. This is something to be grateful for, actually. Few people ever experience such a deep level of true love for someone else. It’s rare.
I know, I know… you feel like we almost had a Player 2 in our life there for a bit and are quite devastated that it didn’t work out. They simply didn’t love us back, and that’s okay too.
Yes, I’m sorry. Our ex-BFF has ditched us and your drama (can you really blame them?), but you have a lot of happy memories with our ex-BFF, right? Those experiences should always be treasured. It really doesn’t matter if our ex-BFF cared about their time with us or not. That time mattered quite a lot to us!
No one is in our story forever, by the way. Be grateful for the friendships we still have while they’re here. Stop clinging onto other people because you’re terrified of losing them. That only ends up pushing them away. We don’t need to depend on anyone else for our happiness.
So brain, please stop doing everything you can think of in sad attempts to try to “win back” and justify yourself to our ex-BFF. They have decided to move ahead in their own story without us. How they feel about us is absolutely irrelevant to our story. Wish your ex-BFF all the happiness in the world. They deserve it!
I understand we have a lot of mutual friends with our ex-BFF. That means we’re going to have to see our ex-BFF out there having a great life without us a lot. Managing fear of missing out (FOMO) is another thing you’re going to have to work hard on.
Some days will be much harder than others. But please, do whatever you can to keep our mutual friends out of this drama. Feel free to just disconnect from everything when you need to. No one who is truly our friend will abandon us because we had to walk away for a bit.
Bottom line: our ex-BFF is an amazing person and worthy of everyone’s love. Never lash out at them in public if your sore feelings for them flare up. I’m pleased you haven’t let that happen yet. Keep it that way!
Yup. I am aware you still have this stubborn hope that maybe, just maybe, one day the nuked bridge with our ex-BFF can be rebuilt and a new friendship will grow. It’s okay to want that, but you have to understand that it will most likely never happen. That wish is way beyond your control, so stop wasting so much energy trying to make it a reality.
Carrying around all these heavy unrequited love feelings will always be hard, but you got this! Looking forward to a happier life working more with you instead of against you in the future.
Your Conscious Self
P.S. – Tell depression and anxiety they need to tone it the fuck down. I’m so tired of living with their drama. Jerks!
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